Speaking of Green: "Review" of Final Crisis#2 and Hulk#4

The green in the title refers to several things. But it mostly refers to the nauseous feelings permeating my body after having read these two comics one after the other.

What can I say?

I am an IDIOT for punishment. Not learning my lesson from reading Final Crisis #1, perhaps in order to give Grant Morrison a chance to make up for that horrid issue, I picked up a copy of Final Crisis #2.

BIG MISTAKE.

I had to read this mess of storytelling twice before I even got more than a hint of what was going on. And I'm still confused. It's like Morrison loaded all his scenes and ideas into a shotgun, along with a bunch of major and minor players in the DCU, from A to Z, then SHOT it into a comic. Even J.G. Jones' artwork, normally wonderful to behold, suffers, probably because the poor penciller also had no idea what the hell Morrison was getting at as he no doubt described panel after confusing panel.

Where in God's name were the transitions? Where and what is everyone doing? Did time pass between this scene and the next? Is it the same day? Why did every hero in the DCU suddenly take a sip of Stoopid Juice? Who are some of these characters? Should I even care? One scene was flowing into the next like the effluent of a third world sewage plant.

The only remotely coherent scene was a funeral held for Jonn Jonn'z... on the surface of Mars. Hooray for the Boom Tube. God-level teleportation in the DCU, once the province of only the New Gods, that now it seems everybody can now use. Whoop.

Forget it.

I was fair. I gave Morrison a chance. I am never picking up another title written by this guy. Chuck Austen, one of the most maligned authors in modern comics history, told really bad stories. But even he didn't make me scratch my head in frustration.

Bah.

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It's a sad, sad day when even Jeph Loeb fails me. Above is a picture of the Red Hulk smashing The Watcher's face. Yes, the same Watcher who helped humanity against Galactus, manifests himself at times of great universal change, and is counted as a cosmic being by many space entities. This is the comic equivalent of seeing the Pope tarred and feathered.

It gets worse. Not content to leave the ludicrous concept alone, Hulk #4 continues the pain, pretty much leaving the noble Uatu without any shred of dignity. I really wanna know what Jeph was smoking at the time he wrote this issue. I'd love to try some.

There's another thing about this new series which irks me. Why, oh why, did Marvel allow the Hulk (the original green one), to suddenly turn stupid again? He was so clever and awesome in World War Hulk and the preceding Planet Hulk story arcs. Now he's back to He of the Substantially-Challenged Cortical Neurons. I don't mind a good fistful of "Hulk Smash" and "Hulk is strongest one there is," but he'd gotten to the point where he could say that, be burning with righteous fury, and snap off a clever one liner on the same page. So why bring back the retard version? Doesn't he remember Sakaar, Caiera and his Warbound anymore?

They had better do some solid explaining or I'd be inclined to do some smashing myself.